The idea of what’s under our control is extremely interesting - especially when we are dealing with a wide range of contexts that include corporate ladder climbing and the score our body keeps based on our mental, emotional, and spiritual states of being. To be a human in the role of a woman absolutely means we need to address all the cracks of life - although I wonder if we can actually train in empathy, or if it’s exactly those cracks that do it for us. I’d definitely sign up for a Lean Out Academy that provided such answers and support.
Happy Birthday! I have been reading all your essays, and must admit this is the one that touched me personally. Thank you! On a different note, I wish you to have it all. By all I mean whatever you choose to have and do. Don’t be shy about yourself. You are brilliant. Happy birthday baby from your other family. We love you 😘
This made me tear up. I was hoping i only start crying by afternoon but at least the tears you spawned were good natured. Thank you for your support of my little essays.
Tremendous analysis. Although I have not read Sandberg’s book, I can understand and appreciate most of the points in your essay. In my opinion, you are absolutely right in stating that the distribution of life outcomes is far from being binary (success/failure) but has a much more complex structure determined by myriads of drivers, most of them random, and only some impacted by our will power. The experience of people like Sandberg is concentrated on a far end of this distribution. That experience, while very valuable in creating role models similar to mythological heroes, is frequently used as a methodological guide, to create a hammer for every proverbial nail in life. What I get from your note is that, in Sandberg’s case, this tool is too mechanistic and “algorithmic” to be truly useful. They give you an algorithm, when you need a philosophy. As I understand you need something much more comprehensive, nuanced and over encompassing than a goal oriented “party program”. You need something deeper, addressing a person as a whole - body, mind and soul. And what you say is that Sandberg’s book is too narrow to address this need. Am I right?
Also I want to be clear that I don't aim to produce a philosophy that overrides the importance of ambition and striving to be the best, but to do those things with longevity requires different skills
While that’s certainly the point as you mention, that applies to most of life. The issue isn’t in the distribution per se —after all my uniquely horrible experience lands me in a the far end of the distribution as well. All story tellers end up there. It’s more that the conversations aren’t honest and they should account for random events (in any event it’s not so random that you get sick) and what to do afterward so as not to lose your place in the world and addressing that if you do lean in your more likely subject to those bad events. If that’s true, you can prepare too.
Also I want to be clear that I don't aim to produce a philosophy that overrides the importance of ambition and striving to be the best, but to do those things with longevity requires different skills
First also need to find data proving that Sheryl's ladies can't hang on in long run am- that there is increase but not sustainable - this is hypothesis. I'm sure the numbers are murky
Quite a complex problem. Goes to the core of our existence. When is life to be considered as a success, what’s its meaning and purpose? I think even the same person will give different answers at different points of their life, let alone people from different countries and cultures.
Well that's why I argue Lean In remains, the goals she set forth at admirable ones - have family, good spouse, good work. I merely argue that her system for obtaining it is flawed
No it should suggest what to do. For example in work you find a mentor, in adverse situations, you xyz. To prevent adverse situations, you do xyz, you find a particular sort of mentor, you raise money from a particular cadre of investors, the deeper the analysis and data, the better the roadmap
Loved this. As a man with two young kids, recovering from a severe injury, and long covid issues, I’ve really learned the hard way that trying to have the same career you were going for before health calamity struck is… untenable. I never appreciated just how much the incredibly successful in tech, academia, media and nearly anything else aren’t just talented, smart and well-connected, but simply lucky that nothing too awful happened to their physical (and mental) health while they were climbing the ladder. My deepest sympathies to what you’ve had to go through!
And you too… I appreciate the connection made here. I think if there's a way of pulling out of the vortex has the potential to either make you better at something new or at least have less regrets later and the likelihood of succeeding again is not zero, although I'm not sure what percentage to attribute to it. If I could break lean out into some fundamental principles my illness would not be in vein, at this point that's the ticket for me since handling thirty back to back callla to raise checks is impossible
It’s a messy thing… I think I still can’t find the right balance between how much I can still give to work (I’m still in the same field though the way I approach it now is very different) and how much I need to focus on rest and hobbies and health. This past spring I was in real denial about how much long covid was limiting me, so traveled constantly for work to try to make connections and “rebuild” what I’d lost, and I did have some success there but at tremendous cost to my wife and kids, and by the end to my own health as I nearly ended up in the hospital from repeated viral illness and autoimmune issues. I’m lucky I realize that I’m well enough I at least had the ability to try, but it was a huge mistake.
What has helped, genuinely, is music though very good headphones (the flip side of illness-induced noise sensitivity), minimizing screen time and doing as much of my work as I can with pen and paper, exercise when I’m up to it, and for long covid itself NAC and vagus nerve stimulation. I sadly haven’t had real space for hobbies at all in the last couple years and there’s a lot I’d like to get back to, but my main focus outside of work and family is still just healing. Having read lots of papers I’m convinced long covid is a constellation of distinct problems but mostly autoimmune, but we really have no idea how to treat it still and progress to that end is agonizingly slow. I’ve definitely improved over the last couple months though and I really hope things get better for you as well.
Bravo with such a thoughtful, nuanced essay! "With Jody Wogan, it’s about widening the representation of women’s interests so that we have more to lean on for sustenance then the dichotomy of work life and home life." - I'm all for that! What I don't like about the feminist movement is how binary it has become lately. They want women to be high achievers and if one woman just wants to be a homemaker they come after her. Shouldn't we support women's choice to do what she wants even if we may not agree with it?
Whoa. That was a good one. Lots of worm holes out there too - make sure you bring a light jacket. Happy navigating.
A jacket and sword
Beautiful thinking and essay. You put into words a lot of my experience. Thank you for this.
Oh thanks dear and I saw your name and recent Curable email so happy to see you getting the word out on healing and motherhood
What a wonderful analysis! So profound and deep! The real “ Food For Thought” ..
Made me think -“Can we have it all?” Or rather “ We can have it all ,but not at the same time“.
Would be interested in the continuous discussion. Cann’t wait for further exploration .
Great write up.!
The idea of what’s under our control is extremely interesting - especially when we are dealing with a wide range of contexts that include corporate ladder climbing and the score our body keeps based on our mental, emotional, and spiritual states of being. To be a human in the role of a woman absolutely means we need to address all the cracks of life - although I wonder if we can actually train in empathy, or if it’s exactly those cracks that do it for us. I’d definitely sign up for a Lean Out Academy that provided such answers and support.
I think u can learn self compsssion and that extends to empathy. But yes to lean out academy!!!! 🙏
Happy Birthday! I have been reading all your essays, and must admit this is the one that touched me personally. Thank you! On a different note, I wish you to have it all. By all I mean whatever you choose to have and do. Don’t be shy about yourself. You are brilliant. Happy birthday baby from your other family. We love you 😘
Would it be too personal to share which part resonated? I've asked my mom to comment too. I think she's figuring out how today.
This made me tear up. I was hoping i only start crying by afternoon but at least the tears you spawned were good natured. Thank you for your support of my little essays.
Tremendous analysis. Although I have not read Sandberg’s book, I can understand and appreciate most of the points in your essay. In my opinion, you are absolutely right in stating that the distribution of life outcomes is far from being binary (success/failure) but has a much more complex structure determined by myriads of drivers, most of them random, and only some impacted by our will power. The experience of people like Sandberg is concentrated on a far end of this distribution. That experience, while very valuable in creating role models similar to mythological heroes, is frequently used as a methodological guide, to create a hammer for every proverbial nail in life. What I get from your note is that, in Sandberg’s case, this tool is too mechanistic and “algorithmic” to be truly useful. They give you an algorithm, when you need a philosophy. As I understand you need something much more comprehensive, nuanced and over encompassing than a goal oriented “party program”. You need something deeper, addressing a person as a whole - body, mind and soul. And what you say is that Sandberg’s book is too narrow to address this need. Am I right?
or example could I pivot now for ten years and be back in the business world stronger than ever? Is that possible? Etc etc
Also I want to be clear that I don't aim to produce a philosophy that overrides the importance of ambition and striving to be the best, but to do those things with longevity requires different skills
While that’s certainly the point as you mention, that applies to most of life. The issue isn’t in the distribution per se —after all my uniquely horrible experience lands me in a the far end of the distribution as well. All story tellers end up there. It’s more that the conversations aren’t honest and they should account for random events (in any event it’s not so random that you get sick) and what to do afterward so as not to lose your place in the world and addressing that if you do lean in your more likely subject to those bad events. If that’s true, you can prepare too.
Also I want to be clear that I don't aim to produce a philosophy that overrides the importance of ambition and striving to be the best, but to do those things with longevity requires different skills
For example could I pivot now for ten years and be back in the business world stronger than ever? Is that possible? Etc etc
So, it should be less about what to do, and more about how to condition yourself as whole to meet the life adversities and adapt.
First also need to find data proving that Sheryl's ladies can't hang on in long run am- that there is increase but not sustainable - this is hypothesis. I'm sure the numbers are murky
Quite a complex problem. Goes to the core of our existence. When is life to be considered as a success, what’s its meaning and purpose? I think even the same person will give different answers at different points of their life, let alone people from different countries and cultures.
Well that's why I argue Lean In remains, the goals she set forth at admirable ones - have family, good spouse, good work. I merely argue that her system for obtaining it is flawed
I see
No it should suggest what to do. For example in work you find a mentor, in adverse situations, you xyz. To prevent adverse situations, you do xyz, you find a particular sort of mentor, you raise money from a particular cadre of investors, the deeper the analysis and data, the better the roadmap
I like your ideas.
And I like yours ;) pleasure to meet you
Loved this. As a man with two young kids, recovering from a severe injury, and long covid issues, I’ve really learned the hard way that trying to have the same career you were going for before health calamity struck is… untenable. I never appreciated just how much the incredibly successful in tech, academia, media and nearly anything else aren’t just talented, smart and well-connected, but simply lucky that nothing too awful happened to their physical (and mental) health while they were climbing the ladder. My deepest sympathies to what you’ve had to go through!
And you too… I appreciate the connection made here. I think if there's a way of pulling out of the vortex has the potential to either make you better at something new or at least have less regrets later and the likelihood of succeeding again is not zero, although I'm not sure what percentage to attribute to it. If I could break lean out into some fundamental principles my illness would not be in vein, at this point that's the ticket for me since handling thirty back to back callla to raise checks is impossible
May I ask where you are looking for new sustenance?
May I ask where you are looking for sustenance?
It’s a messy thing… I think I still can’t find the right balance between how much I can still give to work (I’m still in the same field though the way I approach it now is very different) and how much I need to focus on rest and hobbies and health. This past spring I was in real denial about how much long covid was limiting me, so traveled constantly for work to try to make connections and “rebuild” what I’d lost, and I did have some success there but at tremendous cost to my wife and kids, and by the end to my own health as I nearly ended up in the hospital from repeated viral illness and autoimmune issues. I’m lucky I realize that I’m well enough I at least had the ability to try, but it was a huge mistake.
What has helped, genuinely, is music though very good headphones (the flip side of illness-induced noise sensitivity), minimizing screen time and doing as much of my work as I can with pen and paper, exercise when I’m up to it, and for long covid itself NAC and vagus nerve stimulation. I sadly haven’t had real space for hobbies at all in the last couple years and there’s a lot I’d like to get back to, but my main focus outside of work and family is still just healing. Having read lots of papers I’m convinced long covid is a constellation of distinct problems but mostly autoimmune, but we really have no idea how to treat it still and progress to that end is agonizingly slow. I’ve definitely improved over the last couple months though and I really hope things get better for you as well.
Bravo with such a thoughtful, nuanced essay! "With Jody Wogan, it’s about widening the representation of women’s interests so that we have more to lean on for sustenance then the dichotomy of work life and home life." - I'm all for that! What I don't like about the feminist movement is how binary it has become lately. They want women to be high achievers and if one woman just wants to be a homemaker they come after her. Shouldn't we support women's choice to do what she wants even if we may not agree with it?
That's right - we are split into two but should be operating together somehow. Thank you!!!
Exactly. No woman is the same. We should all respect each other and how we want to live our lives. ❤️