Dear Companions,
I continue the AM post on the same napkin.
The appointment went as well possible for my age. Immediately after the nerves started to give way to the feeling one gets when they settle into what will become a grind.
Grind doesn’t quite work as well as it used to for me. There is hell to pay for overdoing it now, which needs accounting for. Time wasted, alone, sometimes in bed or roaming pointlessly. But also, time that I will use to remind myself of Healingvrse principles.
For now, I feel surprisingly good. Adrenaline. I couldn’t experience adrenaline at all before without feeling immediately sick. But right now, my healing is such that this wonderful transmitter gets one free ride through my system.
At my appointment, I befriend the nurses. They will be allies going forward. This is less strategic than it seems. I’m a pretty terrible patient. When it comes to bloodwork, I have to drape a sweater over my eyes and literally walk into the room so as not to see all the tubes. It goes without saying that this also applies to the needles.
At first this seems bothersome to the nurses, but when they realize that I’m trying to spare them from my fainting, which is a large waste of time for them, they seem grateful. So begins the relationship.
In addition to the sweater draping, I have a series of things I do during blood draws or otherwise poke and prods in my body. The chess app. Breathing twice through my nostrils. Humming aggressively. Ignoring the topics they attempt to initiate to distract me and talking forcefully about something else. That is the rhythm of conversation that seems to work.
Jeez, even typing that makes me woozy. Let’s move forward.
The Phlebotomist advises me to go get wine at Tony’s afterward, as she’s putting cotton and a bandage on the bend of my arm. And so, I do that. It’s a prescription after all.
Except instead of wine, I get iced tea. And instead of Tony’s, I go to a terrible burger joint. I go to this burger joint instead of one of my usual spots in order to switch things up. Switching things up is meant to be some kind of gift. I get ravioli, a carb that I’m not supposed to eat—at all. It’s 4pm, and I’m stuffed on ravioli. My head won’t like this, but I’m celebrating.
Then, I’m able to do a work call. Believe it or not. I know I’m pushing myself, but how exciting! How functional of me! Facing my fears, dealing with my pain, and now being productive in a way that assures the rest of my life won’t be utterly wasted.
So here I am, on the call, nobody the wiser, pacing around the city streets with my bandaged arm, my slightly hopeful follicles, and a head that was cooperative sufficiently enough that I am not yet bludgeoned by a hammer of overwhelm and pain. (That was yet to come, today actually, and thus not on the napkin).
I’m able to think, manage, and produce with this reactionary body.
Are people walking around as grateful that they are able to do this every day without consequences?
Let this be a reminder.
To them, and to me, in the future.
With much love from the Healingvrse,
Rebecca
I appreciated the pointing out of patient/nurse empathy exchange. Things are never as they seem!
The napkin notes are gorgeous.
And would love to know why the carb is off limits, and how that helps on your journey.
I kinda know and feel your pain and thoughts. It's strange looking back in life to see simple things that we and most people tend to take for granted. Physical pain can ruin your resolve or alert you to a closer understanding of just how precious life is. Never easy, but finding the importance of taking one minute, hour or day at a time to make life easier. To be fully in the present as they say. With that also finding humor with everything else always helpful.
As the one hundred and one yr old Russian lady once told me, "What doesn't break you makes you stronger."
I truly now believe that and understand that. Thank you for sharing.